I'm just trying to create a source of inspiration and motivation for myself and anyone else who may need it.
(Source: , via fit-healthybeautiful)I Run (and other healthy stuff)
Something so simple that is so often forgotten.Internal Acceptance Movement
I kind of just stumbled across your tumblr when looking for motivation to start exercising more, and I'm so happy I did. Thanks for sharing your story with us, congratulations on coming so far! :)polaroid-this-deactivated201303
Aw thank you co much :) That’s really kind of you. When I was in the middle of everything, I thought there was no one in the world who had been through the same things as me, or who would understand how I feel - so I thought if even one person can relate to my blog post, then it would be worth writing.
I’ve never really explain my whole story, or the main reason why I am into fitness and nutrition, so here I go.
I remember being 5 years old and thinking that I was not cute like the other kids in my class. My earliest memory of not liking my body is from when I was in prep.
In grade 2, the teacher weighed the whole class and then put our weights on a n ascending graph. I was towards the heavy end and I remember feeling so humiliated. In grade 3, I wrote a note and forged my mums signature for the first time. The note said something along the lines of, ”Elizabeth does not want to be weighed in class today.” In grade 3, I had ordered a gingerbread man for lunch and when my lunch order came, the teacher snatched it off me, threw it in the bin, and said that is a very unhealthy lunch. I remember sitting there, once again, feeling so humiliated and I thought that all the other kids must think I am really fat.
Although I did have a reasonable amount of friends during primary school, I also had a lot of fat jokes directed at me. Some of my friends used to call me fat and although it hurt me deeply, I used to just laugh it off.
Then there was high school. I had a lot of friends during the first few years of high school, but similar to primary school, some of them still used to tease me. I remember one casual dress day when all of us girls decided to wear skirts. I came to school wearing a skirt and the first thing I heard, was two boys (who were meant to be my friends) giggling about the fact that I was wearing a skirt. One of them was the boy who I had a crush on at the time.
One day in home economics, the class learnt how to cook bacon and eggs. Everyone ate their food after they had cooked it, and then my crush at the time yelled out in front of the class and told me that I will get even fatter if I keep eating that bacon.
I also had other crushes throughout my life say things like “EW” when they were asked about me. I would also like to point out that I was not particularily overweight in year 7. I was probably on the borderline of being a healthy weight and overweight, however, I thought otherwise because of all the teasing.
There were many other factors throughout the years that contributed to my low self confidence and hate towards my body. My family used to always call me ‘chubby.’ It was more of a cute nickname, but they never knew that it hurt my feelings and that I hated being called that. My two best friends throughout high school (and still now) had perfect bodies and I always felt like the off one out, and always wished that I could just look like them.
Every time the Christmas holidays came around, I’d think that I would lose a whole lot of weight and go back to school and no one would recognise me. That never happened.
Then my year 12 formal came around - the night that I believe began my eating disorder. My friend who I liked at the time agreed to be my partner at the formal. I was over the moon as no one who I had previously liked had treated me very nicely. During the formal, we went to get group photos. The photography insisted that all of the boys kneel down, and the girls sit on their knee. As embarassed as I was, I told the photographer that I did not want to do that. I was almost in tears, however, he basically forced me to sit on my partners knee. You can imagine that I did not look happy in those photos as all I could think was that I was so heavy and disgusting and that my partner was probably having trouble holding me up. Straight after that photo, I ran to the bathroom and spent about half an hour in tears.
That was the night that I decided I would no longer live my life being overweight.
I joined a gym and went obsessively - 2 to 3 times a day at minimum. I began to eat close to nothing, and eventually began to starve myself. I am still ashamed to admit this, but I also began throwing up almost everything I ate. I would sometimes fast for days in a row - the longest fast I ever did was for 5 days. It sounds so difficultb, but when you are so brainwashed, you don’t care about food - you thrive off the feeling of starvation and it gives you a high and you feel as though you have succeeded.
I had such low self esteem that I didn’t care about sabotaging my health, I thought that nothing mattered as long as I lost weight. And I definitely did begin to lose weight and after a few weeks, people began to notice. Despite entering a healthy weight range, I was probably the most unhealthiest I had ever been. I always thought I would just live that way until I felt happy about my body - little did I know, that an eating disorder is a death trap - you NEVER feel happy about your body, despite reaching any goal weights that you had set. Even thought I was losing weight, I hated myself and my body more than ever. I was self destructive and I could not care less. I began missing school, my attendance was very low and I was at risk of failing year 12 becasue of it.
I lived like this for about 3 years. I was great at keeping it a secret. My family never knew, although I do believe my sister picked up on it and was very hurt. I told a few people about it and they said they would tell my parents if it didn’t stop, so I had to convince them that it had stopped. They gave me a timeframe and said if it’s not over in 6 months then they’d have to do something about it. I did want it to be over, I thought 6 months was a long time - but an eating disorder is never ready to be over. I suppose it felt like living a secret life that no one knew about. So many ignorant comments were said throughout the years, people jokes about eating disorders, and the whole time I had to pretend I found the jokes funny. I lost about 20 kilos. I felt fantastic - I could wear tight dresses, people who had no interest in me in the past, suddenly became interested, and even though I still felt self hatred, I was able to fake some confidence.
My eating disorder began when I was 18. I am now 22. I can say that it went on for a minimum of three years. I was always trying to bring it to an end, but was always so unsuccessful as I was so brainwashed. I had fallen into the thinspiration community online and I used to use pictures of other thin girls to motivate myself.
This is the year that I have tried my hardest at recovery. I have tried to change my life for the better - I have educated myself about proper nutrition and fitness, and I am currently in the process of losing weight again - in the healthy way. It is much slower, but it will pay off in the end. I feel great about myself when I get through a whole day having eating nutritious meals and done some exercise.
I am really proud of where I have ended up. I do know that I should have gotten some help earlier, but I refused to. I am now so happy to say that I am ready to say goodbye to my eating disorder. I do believe that I will always have it in me, and still to this day, I still have the tendency to think extremely negative things and I am far from being truly happy with my body - but I have accepted that this is what I was given - and I do have the power to change what it looks like, but my body deserves to be treated damn well.
The final thing that I will say is that people think an eating disorder is that “easy way out” of weight loss. This misconception is just SO wrong. I cannot put into words the pain and suffering that I experienced throughout the past 4 years. It is a kind of self hate that only an eating disorder can project onto you. No words in the dictionary could be strong enough to explain the extremely feelings of desperation, depression, and loneliness. An eating disorder consumes you, you become the eating disorder. It is the loneliest, most dangerous, and most addictive road you could take. If you want the easy way out, PLEASE give your body the nutritions that it needs, and give it the exercise that it craves. An eating disorder is the worst, most complicated solution to weight loss. Please do not choose the wrong option. An eating disorder is a devil that enters your mind - do not let that happen.